Radical honesty
I was watching 30 Rock last Thursday. It was yet another episode where Liz Lemon goes on a first date and everything goes terribly wrong. But at the end of the date, instead of running away as fast as he could, her date said (in some form): “What if we just get everything out on the table now? Instead of covering everything up to look good in hopes of scoring the second date, maybe we should just get all of our problems out right now and if, by some stroke of luck, we don’t hate each other by the end of the night, then maybe we’ll know this could actually work.”
That character struck a chord with me by saying that. That general concept of radical honesty is one I think about often. I wonder: Why can’t we tell our friends what’s really going on in our lives? Why doesn’t my coworker just tell me he’s having problems at home so that I not only understand when his fuse is short but I have the opportunity to be a listening ear for him if need be?
And on the flip-side: Why do people have to exaggerate a problem or give excuses when the truth is they just can’t (or — heaven forbid — don’t want to) show up on time or do good quality work?
The truth is that doing this hurts. By being radically honest we run the risk of people taking advantage of our weaknesses. It requires a level of truth that perhaps isn’t achievable by imperfect people such as ourselves. But if we all did it together maybe we would all trust each other a bit more, we’d cooperate better, do better work, live more realistically. (Wow, that sounds cheesy and utopian-ish, doesn’t it?) Certainly there are downsides, but that’s life. Why cover up a downside with another downside by lying?
At my job we’ve started having monthly state-of-the-union type meetings; everyone seems to agree that, while it might be a time sink at times, it helps us see the big picture and know how we fit and understand better what our outlook should be in hard economic times.
A good friend just lost a job due for reasons whose foundations are not very clear to him and that may be faulty. Maybe he’d still have lost the job if those reasons had been stated, but at least he’d know for sure what happened and what he can work on and prevent and watch out for in future work situations.
A friend hasn’t admitted a major hurdle he’s facing in his life right now. I found out by alternate means and it’s explained some of his behavior as of late, though I still wish he’d told me in the first place so I could have acted accordingly in my interactions with him.
I recently read an article about a business man that practices radical honesty and I’m intrigued and kind of want to try it. Anybody else with me? It’s not something I can do alone.
- February 18th, 2009 at 1:05 am
- Tags: radical honesty
- Category: Thoughts
i think the phrase “radical honesty” sounds new age. i despise new age and its culture. i was very discouraged (until recently) that people were willing to donate to every other cause posted except the cause i had posted. it’s frustrating to give money to everyone every year and when i ask on behalf of a cause, i get peanuts! im over that now.
Comment by leah — February 19, 2009 @ 2:24 pmive just discovered a specific reluctance with “radical honesty”:
despite our best efforts, it is not uncommon for the better of us to focus on the negative aspects in our daily goings on. to prove this, i began my own paragraph of ‘radical honesty’ and found that by the time i reached the fourth statement of ‘radical honesty’ i was apathetic, even to my own woes; it was an astounding adimancy to not caring. and they were MY problems!
it didnt take much for me to realize why i dont tell people everything: im a negative, complaining, whiny, at times self-righteous, always right-never wrong, know-it-all that people dont want to hang out with if all i ever did was let what’s truly bothering me spill out of my mouth.
trust me, it’s best i keep those things locked up until im too drunk to care and i still dont get the guy at the end of the nite.
Comment by leah — February 19, 2009 @ 2:36 pmPS see! there’s the first part of my original post! im such a douchebag.
Comment by leah — February 19, 2009 @ 2:37 pmHmm but maybe if you showed that side of you more, you’d be more motivated to improve yourself.
You make a very good point though. If everyone did this, we’d all hate each other. For a while anyway.
Comment by Josh Mock — February 19, 2009 @ 2:49 pm[...] show was suggested to me by a friend because one of the supporting characters practices the idea of radical honesty. However, I was more intrigued after the introduction to the show because everything he was saying [...]
Pingback by Lie to Me | Josh Mock — February 21, 2009 @ 5:28 pmI arrived here from a Google search on “Lie to me blink” because I also immediately noticed the connection between the show and Malcolm Gladwell’s chapter from his book, Blink. And then I clicked over to this post.
There are two missing elements to your radical honesty formula; love and safety. Love requires us to hold our tongues and not simply blurt out truth in any situation. And safety (emotional safety) requires us to limit the people to whom we are radically honest, as it will be those people who have the power to inflict emotional damage on us. Extending that type of honesty should only be toward safe people.
But with these two factors, radical honesty seems like a great idea. I’m sure it would have a price; some people really wouldn’t like what they discovered about us, and visa versa. But the value of the depth of the relationships we would experience would be worth it.
Comment by Jerry — May 6, 2009 @ 6:53 pm