The Blues

OK, so it’s not a review or anything, but it’s funny and I figure I should be posting something here occasionally if for no other reason than to remind myself that I should be posting here more often…

Here are some tips for any of you that are in pursuit of a career in the “Blues”:

1. Most blues begin with “Woke up this mornin’…” This is to differentiate blues musicians from most other musicians, who sleep past noon.
2. The nice thing about the blues is that once you’ve written the first line, you’re pretty much done with the second line, too.
3. Chevys and Cadillacs are blues cars. Other acceptable blues modes of transportation are as follows:
   1. Greyhound bus
   2. southbound train
   3. walkin’
4. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Vail, or any town whose name ends in “Beach.” St. Louis, Chicago and Kansas City are other good towns for the blues.

   5. Shot in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair. It is not a blues death if you die during liposuction treatment.

5. You have the right to sing the blues if:
   1. you’re blind
   2. you shot a man in Memphis
   3. you can’t be satisfied
6. But not if:
   1. you shot an 85 at golf
   2. your Dad left you a trust fund
7. Good places for the blues:
   1. a highway
   2. a jailhouse
   3. an empty bed
   4. a freight train

   Bad places for the blues:

   1. Yellowstone National Park
   2. The country club
   3. gallery openings
   4. The Hamptons
8. If you ask for water and yo ‘baby’ give you gasoline, that’s the blues.
9. Blues beverages do not include:
   1. any drink with an umbrella
   2. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
   3. Jello shots
10. Picking a blues name:
    1. start with an infirmity (Blind, Li’l, Fat, Lame, Clubfoot)
    2. add Willie, Johnny or Joe
    3. Pick a U.S. President (Washington, Johnson, Fillmore, or Roosevelt)

    Persons with names like Ashley, Chad, Kimberly, McKenzie, Brad or Tyler may not sing the blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

I’ll post an album review or something real soon, I promise!